The Vile Moods of Sarah Sweeney

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The Vile Moods of Sarah Sweeney

Postby AzizalSaqr » Sun Oct 22, 2006 8:05 pm

Had to share this... ... -plot.html

The Vile Moods of Sarah Sweeney
Just a lot of whining.
© All material copyright 2005-2006

Friday, May 19, 2006
Iron Curtain Murder Plot
I've lived on the East side for over 2 weeks now and so far nothing inappropriate has happened yet. I decided all the molestation and assault must happen on the West side. Apparently it's island-wide, I now know.

After picking up some chicken lo mein filled to the brim with MSG, a gentleman standing outside the front stoop approached me. Foreign (and who isn't), think Goran Visnjic from ER. In a thick Eastern European accent, he began the following conversation:

Luka look alike: Miss! Miss! Do you live in #36?
Xenophobic Sarah: No.
Luka: What about #46?
Sarah: Ehh, no.
Luka: Well, I am seeing "eh-part-mint," I want to see yours.
Sarah: You have the wrong number.
Luka: What about your pants? I want to see what's in your pants.

Deadpan. Did he really just say pants?

Sarah: Pardon?? ::slowly backing away::
Luka: ::pointing to the knee-length denim skirt I have on:: your pants! Your pants!
Sarah: Sir, I'm not wearing pants.

I turned to the door, fiddling with the keys I'm not yet used to and made it inside unscathed. I reached the fifth floor and entered the apartment, dropping my bag and recently purchased lo mein on the dining room table. Safe.

Before I could slide the chop sticks out of the paper pocket, the buzzer sounds. I sat still for a moment trying to decide if something was to be delivered today. Nothing.

Moments passed, it buzzed again. How could he know which apartment I schlepped up to? Impossible! A 6 floor walk-up building with 5 other units per floor. I got up to press the "talk" button:

Xenoirritated Sarah: Who is it?
Foreign Legion: Your apartment! I want to see your apartment!

I stood for a moment starting to panic and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the front hall. No make-up. I'm going to get murdered by a man from behind the Iron Curtain without an ounce of make-up on. Fantastic.

10 minutes has passed and he's still buzzing. Death is inevitable... and I look like hell.
posted by Sarah Sweeney at 5:23 PM

Margaret said...
Jesus Christ, i hope there's a sequal to this!

And if you think nothing bad happened to you, may I remind you of the time we were walking from your apartment to Grand Central and caught sight of a man jerking off on the sidewalk? Roughly two feet from us. Ew. That was fuckin' creepy. But at least he wasn't bothering us and we were able to run. I remember the conversation well:

You: Uh, Kid...
Me: (whispering) WALK FASTER!
You: If we were in the suburbs you would be all "9-1-1" but in the city it's WALK FASTER!

Hahahaha. Seriously Kid, I hope you're undead.

12:17 PM
Sarah Sweeney said...
Undead would be a helluva lot more fun than just plain ole alive.

12:34 PM
angelatee said...
I'm reading this post and thinking "if this dude looks like Luka then what in God's name is the fucking problem?" I'm sure there was more than enough lo mein to go around.

Seriously, scary shit. He's still buzzing, isn't he?

11:31 PM
Martini said...
Why didn't you invite him in? That's not very Christian of you.

Now who's more scary?

12:01 PM
Ed said...
pants means panties where I'm from; what old soldier wouldn't be encouraged to learn that you were starkers under that skirt?

(I'd have let him in if he looked like Goran/Luka... JD)
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